brian larson Note 1 - 99 responses
12/9/86 2:48 pm CST gaby / pasr / cerl
pasrnote / cerl 12/8/86 7:02 am dibello / pasr / cerl
In great sorrow I need to announce that Brian Larson
committed suicide Saturday night. Brian was a valued
member of the PASR group for more than three years.
As of last evening, his father said the family had not
decided if public funeral arrangements would be made.
I will put that information here as soon as I learn it.
brian larson Note 1 - Response 1 of 99
12/9/86 2:48 pm CST gaby / pasr / cerl
pasrnote / cerl 12/9/86 11:49 am dibello / pasr / cerl
Brian's body will be cremated. There will be a funeral
service this Thursday at 11 am at St. Mathews Lutheran
Church on Philo Road (south of Sunnycrest Mall near the
intersection with McHenry)...
The service will be followed by a luncheon visitation in the
church cafeteria to which all are invited...
brian larson Note 1 - Response 2 of 99
12/9/86 3:00 pm CST gaby / pasr / cerl
brian left me notes to distribute. the following are
for anyone he did not personally write to.
brian larson Note 1 - Response 3 of 99
12/9/86 3:00 pm CST gaby / pasr / cerl
painless / cerl 10/29/86 3:05 pm larson / pasr / cerl
I have won. A society's success is measured solely by
the number of people that belong to it. It matters not
whether the person agrees with the society, fights the
society or is a devout worshiper of that society, the
mere fact that the person operates within that society
is a victory for the society. Well, you lost me. I
refuse to be a part of society. You have not gained any
of my offspring.
brian larson Note 1 - Response 4 of 99
12/9/86 3:01 pm CST gaby / pasr / cerl
painless / cerl 11/24/86 2:04 pm larson / pasr / cerl
To those who I forgot to mention explicitly, yet
deserved to be, I am sorry that I missed you. Due to the
State I was in prior to enactment of my decision, I was
bound to forget some people.
brian larson Note 1 - Response 5 of 99
12/9/86 3:06 pm CST gaby / pasr / cerl
suicide isn't painless.
brian larson Note 1 - Response 6 of 99
12/9/86 3:08 pm CST d weber / o / cerl
This may not be appropriate, but 'God Damn you Brian!'
That is the anger that I feel. I also feel drained, numb,
and much pain. I dont understand why. I cant. I have
seen the pain we are feeling. I can only hope that he was
successful in what he was trying to do.
Ill miss you, Brian. To hear you say 'Morning!' the first
time I see you that day, whether it is morning, or midnight.
To hear your 'WEEW', whenever you had accomplished something
you were proud of. To see that damned silly grin.
Goodbye, my friend. I hope you have found peace.
brian larson Note 1 - Response 7 of 99
12/9/86 3:34 pm CST sanders / uimatha / cerl
Ok, Brian, now that you have gone and done it (even though
you told me you wouldn't), this is what I see happening to
the rest of us. Though you tried, you won't ever be gone.
Everyone is wondering what they could have done to prevent
it. I know there was nothing I would/could have done
differently had I known the future. I blame no one.
The last time I saw you we had a good time. I thank you.
Everyone is concerned about how everyone else is doing.
Everyone is talking more than they have had in the past few
months.
Almost everyone is mad enough to kill you.
I have a very small voice telling me you did it just to be
a dick.
I have not cried as much in the last 12 years as I have in
the last 3 days.
I still cannot be alone without falling apart at the seams.
I have decided that you have done what you wanted, and I
can't change that, but I hope you have found whatever it
was you were looking for and not finding here with us.
Goodbye, Brian. I loved you.
brian larson Note 1 - Response 8 of 99
12/9/86 3:39 pm CST tice / dorsai / cerl
I would give anything to have Matt tell me to my face that
he hated me. Why did you hate,Larson, Matt? I loved you both
enough to hear you out. Did you hate us all that much?
My heart is ripped, but I have not succumbed.
Please, talk to me, no more pain.
brian larson Note 1 - Response 9 of 99
12/9/86 3:41 pm CST unger / dorsai / cerl
I have felt more helpless in the past 3 days than
I ever did in the 21 years preceding. The feeling that
I ought to do something or ought to have done something
is so overwhelming that I feel socially castrated in
the process.
The only shred of solace is the possibility that Brian
might be happier wherever(whenever) he is now.
Bless you Brian.
brian larson Note 1 - Response 10 of 99
12/9/86 4:30 pm CST marshack / cerl / cerl
f--king thanks for talking me out of it those times, too,
Brian.
I loved you also.
brian larson Note 1 - Response 11 of 99
12/9/86 4:31 pm CST raven / pdq / cerl
I went to school with you.
You liked my cooking.Loved it in fact.
You helped me through some rough times,too.
Damn.
Why did you do it?!!!!
We'll never really know why......
I loved you,Brian.
Goodbye.....
brian larson Note 1 - Response 12 of 99
12/9/86 4:37 pm CST randy / wfriends / cerl
I knew you since nursery school,Brian,and yet i never
really knew you well.. If i had not been so narrow-minded
and distant with you in the past few months....
Who knows..
I'll miss you,Brian,i honestly will. And somewhere deep
down inside me,you'll always mean something special to me.
Goodbye,old friend
brian larson Note 1 - Response 13 of 99
12/9/86 4:43 pm CST frye / s / cerl
This comes as a real shock even to those of us who didn't
know Brian very well. I know I'm not the only who feels
a little bit guilty at having been angry with him from
time to time for things he did or said. I'm sure many
people wonder if one word more (or less) would have made
the difference. In any case, it's clear that Brian was
hurting in ways that we didn't really appreciate -- but
I can't help but believe that knowing how he felt would
have helped me understand him better.
brian larson Note 1 - Response 14 of 99
12/9/86 4:59 pm CST bats / ceta / cerl
I don't think there was anything that could be done.
Brian knew that there were people who cared about him...
that was not the problem. I don't fully understand what
it was, but as far as I can see there is nothing that
anyone could have done.
All I can do is say, I respected Brian as a person and
as a friend, and because of that I will respect his
decisions, even though I am not happy about it. And
maybe he isn't hurting so much anymore.
brian larson Note 1 - Response 15 of 99
12/9/86 5:01 pm CST mitch / use / cerl
Goodbye, Brian. I don't know if you really knew just how
many people loved you, but I was one of them. I will miss
you very much. I know you wouldn't have approved of the
sentiment, but that's just too bad, now isn't it?
Goodbye, my friend.
brian larson Note 1 - Response 16 of 99
12/9/86 5:02 pm CST dunn / hfs / cerl
Take Care.
brian larson Note 1 - Response 17 of 99
12/9/86 5:07 pm CST kathy / dorsai / cerl
Your absence has gone through me
Like thread through a needle.
Everything I do is stitched with its color.
brian larson Note 1 - Response 18 of 99
12/9/86 5:10 pm CST strutz / a / cerl
I decided a long time ago that all we really have
in life is each other. Then I took a hard look at the
people I was with, and realized that I was very well off
having them and nothing else.
Brian figured out that first part, but that garbage
about "society" makes it clear that he got the rest of it
all backwards.
It's like the time that I was stuck in traffic and
in exasperation misquoted "The Charge of the Light Brigade":
"Traffic to the left of me. Traffic to the right of me.
Traffic before me." My wife chimed in, "And here I am--
stuck in the middle with you!" And we laughed, because
when she reminded me that the "with you" is the important
part, she was telling me that she knew it, too.
Brian turned his back on that, on all the rest of us
--he didn't just reject a few exceptions, he rejected the
lot of us. Including better people than me. What can you
do when someone insists on being THAT far wrong?
brian larson Note 1 - Response 19 of 99
12/9/86 5:55 pm CST capron / wright / cerl
...I will miss him...He is gone...and all there are
are these memories marred by his death...from my limited
knowledge he did not use all his options...there is no
guarantee that he found any greater peace...I know that
he has obliterated a whole world and a unique way of
perceiving us all...
brian larson Note 1 - Response 20 of 99
12/9/86 5:56 pm CST leland / pasrf / cerl
Life is greater than death. Brian's life will always
effect me more powerfully than his death. A handful of
ash has no value, except for the thoughts and feelings
with which we infuse it.
Brian was valuable, to his family, to the Plato
community, to myself. I am sorry that he didn't understand
that. I shall miss his magnanimus spirit greatly.
Farewell, Brian.
brian larson Note 1 - Response 21 of 99
12/9/86 6:02 pm CST david / ceram / cerl
Mistake, mistake, mistake, mistake, Brian, mistake.
There are people out there, see, and you talk to them,
and you say things like "I'm in pain" or "I need help" and
you give them a chance to help, and they really will help
if__ you___ let___ them____.
Now you'll have to start all over.
God damn it, Brian! Why didn't you talk to me?
brian larson Note 1 - Response 22 of 99
12/9/86 6:15 pm CST barnes / pasr / cerl
Farewell Brian.
brian larson Note 1 - Response 23 of 99
12/9/86 6:51 pm CST susan / hfs / cerl
Sigh.
brian larson Note 1 - Response 24 of 99
12/9/86 7:30 pm CST stroberger / dorsai / cerl
You were wrong, Brian. Suicide is NOT painless.
Goodbye
brian larson Note 1 - Response 25 of 99
12/9/86 7:30 pm CST born / uimatha / cerl
i didnt even know him that well; i knew who he was,
and could point him out in a crowd, yet reading these
notes moved me to tears....
i feal sorrow that a fellow human being felt that he
had to give up the greatest of God's gifts: the gift of
life itself.
i am also sorrowful for the fact that he has deprived me
forever of the pleasure of knowing him...
i feel bad that he felt that society was against him...
society has a lot of good to offer, and he had a lot of
good to offer society, i am sorry that he couldnt see that..
i am sure that the world will not be the same without him...
goodbye forever, Brian...
i hope that you are in a better place...
-AJ.
brian larson Note 1 - Response 26 of 99
12/9/86 7:36 pm CST alix / s / cerl
Sigh indeed. I didn't know Brian all that well, but I
know that the world is a lesser place for losing him.
What scares me more than anything right now is the fact
that there are so many more depressed, unhappy people
who I probably see every day, who keep their depression
to themselves. It turns to cynicism, dislike, hatred,
and finally, sometimes, to suicide. I hope that anyone
who has read these notes sees what their suicide would
do to everyone around them. If you've got problems that
you think are worth dying over, find somebody to talk
to. Almost nobody is going turn you away. And if you
know someone who talks about committing suicide, don't
ever assume they aren't serious. The most cheerful
among us sometimes hate the most inside.
brian larson Note 1 - Response 27 of 99
12/9/86 7:39 pm CST mahan / s / cerl
Farewell.
brian larson Note 1 - Response 28 of 99
12/9/86 7:54 pm CST williams hugh / ed / cerl
Good Luck.
brian larson Note 1 - Response 29 of 99
12/9/86 8:08 pm CST siegel / pcp / cerl
It's ironic that I have been doing some study on suicide...
preparing an instructional unit for teenagers. One
resource I found is a book by Sol Gordon: When Living
Hurts -- A lively what to do book for yourself or someone
you care about who feels discouraged, sad, lonely, hopeless,
angry or frustrated, unhappy, or bored, depressed, suicidal.
New York: Union of american Hebrew Congregations. 1985.
The following few notes are some quotes I'd like to share.
I hope they help you...
What if I think life isn't worth living?
How can you tell? Moods and feelings change. Every bad
situation is temporary. End it all? Try life. You can
always change your mind. But wait until you've lived at
least half of it. At age forty, let's say, reexamine your
life.
And then ask yourself the ultimate question.
Was it worth it after all?
brian larson Note 1 - Response 30 of 99
12/9/86 8:09 pm CST siegel / pcp / cerl
Strange as it may seem to you now, in almost all cases the
person says yes. You better believe it!
In the meantime? TRY courage.
Courage is an ability to dispose of self-pity and
wallowing. You have to look beyond yourself. Courage is
not, in any way, self-centered except______ it is self-confident.
The courageous person says, "It's o.k. I can beat this."
GO FOR IT.
Eighteen Slogans, Poems, and Things:
1. The existential question is coming to terms with life--
not death.
brian larson Note 1 - Response 31 of 99
12/9/86 8:09 pm CST siegel / pcp / cerl
2. You cannot find yourself by:
- drugs
- dieting
- complaining
- getting laid
- jogging
- eating
- making a fast buck
- violence
not
- at bars
- cults
- movies
- races
- parties
nor
- in front of the TV
only by letting yourself
- be tried and tested
in relationships with people.
brian larson Note 1 - Response 32 of 99
12/9/86 8:10 pm CST siegel / pcp / cerl
3. An untested find (a sure cure, prejudice) soon becomes a
farce or a weapon used against people who don't share
your views.
4. People who feel good about themselves (most of the time)
are not available for exploitation nor do they want to
exploit others.
5. Not everything in life can be understood or resolved.
All of us have some areas of vulnerability. Sometimes
the best we can do isn't good enough. Some of us live
in places where the winters are cold and long. That's
why it's good to be optimistic.
6. Really marvelous experiences occur infrequently, are of
brief duration, and are rarely on schedule.
7. "It is characteristic of wisdom not to do desparate
things" (Henry David Thoreau).
8. You can get full with food but fulfillment comes only
with love.
9. If you have a tendency to put yourself down, struggle
against it. It's really boring to be with people who
think they're boring.
brian larson Note 1 - Response 33 of 99
12/9/86 8:11 pm CST siegel / pcp / cerl
10. Each individual is a unique being beyond the reach of
diagnostic categories--an artist overflowing with the
will and freedom to shape his or her own fate (fashioned
after Otto Rank).
11. It's easy to be a hero in someone else's situation.
12. Intimacy is joyous and sad
It is sharing,
open-ended, and
taking your mind off yourself
momentarily.
13. In order to perfect oneself, one must renew oneself day
by day (chasidic saying).
14. Love is where it's at
and that's a fact.
(A refrain from a not-yet-composed popular song)
15. Al the way to Heaven is Heaven (St. Catherine).
16. Honesty is not necessarily self-disclosure. It is
saying only____ what you mean (Sylvia Hacker).
17. Suffering may not enchance your life but recovery will.
18. Vibrations are real.
brian larson Note 1 - Response 34 of 99
12/9/86 8:21 pm CST jonathan / summit / cerl
Brian Larson was one of the few people on plato who I could
trust always to get a straight answer from. He always said
exactly what he meant, and never refrained from saying what
he felt simply because it would not be "accepted" by others.
All I can say is it was nice knowing you. I do not like how
you left, and I am angry and sad, but life will go on for
the rest of us. I hope you are happy, wherever you are.
brian larson Note 1 - Response 35 of 99
12/9/86 9:00 pm CST spigner / truman / cerl
Brian, you told me you was going to fix =conquest=,
now it will never work.
brian larson Note 1 - Response 36 of 99
12/9/86 9:34 pm CST k maxson / honors / cerl
Although a sun may rise in lusterless skies
And salty waters sweep their claws on shingles bare
Though every light embattled bright one day dies
And there lies nondescript that was once fair
The warmth of memory sparkles my dawn
And freshens icy oceans deep and blue
While within my mind no star is wholly gone
And those that stay shall remind me e'er of you
This is for Miranda.
brian larson Note 1 - Response 37 of 99
12/9/86 9:45 pm CST abzug / viscentr / cerl
I didn't even know him and my heart is heavy over this.
I feel sorry for Brian but I also feel sorry for the people
he's left behind, for while Brian may be beyond pain, I know
his friends aren't.
brian larson Note 1 - Response 38 of 99
12/9/86 9:53 pm CST lisa / hfs / cerl
Now you are free to lie in your forest in peace.
Farewell.
brian larson Note 1 - Response 39 of 99
12/9/86 10:14 pm CST larry / dorsai / cerl
There really isn't much to say anymore, he brought an awful
lot of joy into the hearts of many. He will be sorely
missed. I just hope that he has found the happiness that he
never found in life.
Fare thee well, my friend.
brian larson Note 1 - Response 40 of 99
12/9/86 10:21 pm CST chow / dorsai / cerl
Whatever you may think , Brian; you have not eluded
'society'. We are still part of society and you have
failed to reject life fully since as long as WE remember
you, you will always be a part of us. I just hurts so much
that we werent enough for you. I hope you will be happy
now , and perhaps someday we will meet again.
Goodbye , friend
Chow
brian larson Note 1 - Response 41 of 99
12/10/86 12:25 am CST eric / pasrf / cerl
I always liked Brian, but he didn't seem to like me.
But he was always civil to me. I think the world
has lost a very special person. I hope you are finally
happy Brian.
brian larson Note 1 - Response 42 of 99
12/10/86 12:44 am CST brad / dorsai / cerl
I didn't put the response I originally wrote in here,
because frankly it didn't belong in a fully public file.
Brian has murdered one of the dearest friends I had, and
I am going to regret his decision for as long as I live.
It was his decision to make however, and I respect Brian
quite a bit, so I will bide by it even though I really
didn't have any say anyway.
It was truly one of the greatest experiences in my life
to know you Brian, you taught me a great deal. Thanks
for all the things you did for me.
brian larson Note 1 - Response 43 of 99
12/10/86 2:22 am CST ultimate / outcasts / cerl
I didn't know him well. What little I did know of him
I surmised that I didn't like him.
But, Brian, I never wished you dead. Only a week ago
we were obliterating each other in empire, and I was
running off at the mouth in messages. Couldn't you
please press SHIFT-NEXT one more time?
About 5 years ago someone wrote a poem about
Walter G Brooks when he died, I'd appreciate it if
that was dug up and reprinted.
Matt
brian larson Note 1 - Response 44 of 99
12/10/86 7:32 am CST curto / iupui / cerl
I'm another one of the people who didn't know Brian, but
I corresponded with him several times, and always enjoyed
his notes. To all who knew him better than I and who are
hurt, confused, or scared by this, take courage from those
around you. Take the time alone that you need for healing,
but get on with life, too. The best memorial to Brian is
to learn from all he did or was, and make your life better
for having learned.
brian larson Note 1 - Response 45 of 99
12/10/86 7:41 am CST stockman / viscentr / cerl
Goodbye, Brian. Maybe there was a little promise beyond
the problems after all. I wish you a quick journey home.
brian larson Note 1 - Response 46 of 99
12/10/86 8:20 am CST brownlee / music / cerl
I only knew Brian through PLATO, as many of us have said,
but the sense of loss and dismay that I feel is real just
the same. It seems that in destroying himself to avoid
being part of society, all he did was rip the hearts out
of those of you who knew and cared for him. It seems to
me that this result could hardly be a success even in
Brian's purple-colored thinking.
Loss of life is always a waste when it could be avoided.
What a shame.
brian larson Note 1 - Response 47 of 99
12/10/86 8:27 am CST wilper / me / cerl
When I got on system the day I found out, there was a pnote
from him. He and I had been sending pnotes back and forth
whenever we were on system. He said, "There are already
enough "intellegent" beings on this planet". We had been
talking about trying to understand people. I will probably
always wish that I had been on system when he wrote that,
and had a chance to respond.
Brian, wherever you are, you never caused me pain
until now. I enjoyed knowing you. I wish you were still here
But most of all, I wish you had given me the chance to
understand you.
I also wish I hadn't erased the pnote before I
learned of your decision.
Holly
brian larson Note 1 - Response 48 of 99
12/10/86 8:37 am CST warren / ee / cerl
Though Brian was just an acquaintance to me,
I will miss him. Goodbye.
brian larson Note 1 - Response 49 of 99
12/10/86 9:31 am CST rs hunter / att / cerl
This is a real tragedy. My condolences to all of his friends
and coworkers.
brian larson Note 1 - Response 50 of 99
12/10/86 10:00 am CST patrick / rush / cerl
..i'm truly very sorry to hear this..
brian larson Note 1 - Response 51 of 99
12/10/86 10:03 am CST raymond / polysci / cerl
I wish I could find adequate words for my feelings.
Rest in peace, Brian.
brian larson Note 1 - Response 52 of 99
12/10/86 10:14 am CST wessing / wright / cerl
when I first met brian, he seemed "a nice enough guy, wonder
why he's so depressed?"...the closer I got to him, the more
I began to see that he had a very negative view of life
(while still being a "cool guy", a dichotomy I never quite
figured out). I began to realize that unless some person or
persons with a lot more time/energy than I will EVER have
pulled him out, it was only a matter of time. this feeling
crystalized when I heard; "he was really dead when I met
him...he just finally decided to stop moving".
GOD DAMN YOU, LARSON! I wasn't done with you yet!
brian larson Note 1 - Response 53 of 99
12/10/86 10:39 am CST mccarty / viscentr / cerl
May the road always rise to meet you,
may a warm spring breeze blow gently upon your face,
and may your soul find it's place among the stars.
farewell brian, though I knew you only a little
I feel a very real loss for you.
brian larson Note 1 - Response 54 of 99
12/10/86 10:48 am CST candelena / dorsai / cerl
*sigh* I really don't know what to say. I KNOW deep in
my heart that he is finally and blissfully happy. I hope
God is a good avatar player.
brian larson Note 1 - Response 55 of 99
12/10/86 10:59 am CST hresil / cerl / cerl
Brian-
I realize that I will never be able to understand
why, I can only learn to deal with it.
I'll miss you. I'll miss cutting out of work with
you in the middle of the morning to go get donuts. I'll
miss us leaving early to go play pool. I'll miss "Lunch
with Brian". You'll never be around to give me my daily
bother. I'll miss the sounds of the monthly furniture
re-arrangement.
I'll never agree with you about what you did. I
know you were wrong, but you were a friend, a good friend.
All I can do to honor that friendship is to do my best to
help clean up this pile of shit you have left behind you.
Goodbye.
Chuck
brian larson Note 1 - Response 56 of 99
12/10/86 11:09 am CST miranda / dorsai / cerl
Farewell, Don Quixote.
brian larson Note 1 - Response 57 of 99
12/10/86 11:10 am CST clark / pasr / cerl
We hadn't finished developing "that lasting
friendship" we talked about.
I will miss that silly smile as you peer over
the top of your glasses. You have touched my life
and that feeling will endure forever.
I hope you have found peace.
brian larson Note 1 - Response 58 of 99
12/10/86 11:19 am CST e paley / o / cerl
Is that what you meant by your "good mourning" notes?
Sorry you were so unhappy, hope you got what you really
wanted.
brian larson Note 1 - Response 59 of 99
12/10/86 11:58 am CST curry / css / cerl
Brian,
You told me that you would help me with my program. You
told me that Saturday. What am I suppose to do now?
brian larson Note 1 - Response 60 of 99
12/10/86 12:05 pm CST dj / vet / cerl
This is directed at all the people writing here who are
feeling it (and the people not writing here, too).
I used to trade the occasional snipe with Brian too. He was
not a saint, all right. He wasn't all bad either. Some of
us are angry now, some saddened, some just keep switching
off. Don't make him out to be a wonderful guy or a bastard.
Don't forget that, callous as it sounds now, he is no longer
here, and those who still are need help now. I mean to say
that the friends left behind need each other.
I know I am not putting this in an elegant manner. I'm
sorry. I'm trying to say I am far more worried about all
of those left behind friends now than I am about the whys
of Brian's action....
brian larson Note 1 - Response 61 of 99
12/10/86 12:15 pm CST asher / unitone / cerl
At times we didn't get along, at times we did. Brian, I
knew you for 2 and a half years, but never told you that I
respected you. For all the stupid things I've thought you
have done, you have done a great deal of good as well. There
are several times you have given me good advice in notes-
files without knowing it. This world is a much sadder place
with your passing, I hope you find more happiness in the
next. Bless you and may your God keep you safe wherever
you are now.
brian larson Note 1 - Response 62 of 99
12/10/86 12:18 pm CST paley / s / cerl
If I had the ability to do it, I'd like to resurrect
Brian, blow him shit for this, and kick his butt.
Unfortunately, unlike in fantasy games in which this
sort of thing can be done casually, it cannot be done
at all in real life.
Brian was a very good and decent individual. I find
it incredibly sad that Brian could not see enough good
in himself to avoid doing what he did. When one
realizes that he probably lived only a quarter of his
expected life span, it becomes even worse. He could
have done a lot of good for a lot of people (including
himself) if he had only given himself the chance.
brian larson Note 1 - Response 63 of 99
12/10/86 12:38 pm CST sean / pasrf / cerl
A pistol shot at five o'clock
The bells of Heaven ring
Tell me what you done it for
No, I won't tell you a thing.
Yesterday I begged you before I hit the ground
All I leave behind me is only what I found
If you can abide it let the hurdy-gurdy play
Stranger ones have come by here before they flew away
I will not condemn you nor yet would I deny
I would ask the same of you, but failing, would not die.
Take up your china doll
It's only fractured
And just a little nervous
From the fall.
brian larson Note 1 - Response 64 of 99
12/10/86 12:38 pm CST sonna / hopkins / cerl
I'm sorry to hear about this. I only knew him
through PLATO, and not too well at that, but he seemed like
a decent fellow.
My condolences to his family and friends.
brian larson Note 1 - Response 65 of 99
12/10/86 12:52 pm CST jamie / aerie / cerl
"Though Adam was a friend of mine
I did not know him well,
He was alone into his distance,
He was deep into his well,
I could guess what he was laughing at
but I couldn't really tell,
Now the story's told that Adam jumped,
But I'm thinking that he fell...
I'm holding out my only candle,
though it's so little light to find my way,
Now this story's been laid beneath my candle
And it's shorter every hour that it reaches for the day,
Well I feel just like a candle in a way,
I guess I'll get there,
But I'll never pray."
***************
In all the anger and cynicism in months of pnotes, I caught
you hoping once in awhile. Rest easy, Brian. Maybe someday
we'll get another crack at it.
brian larson Note 1 - Response 66 of 99
12/10/86 1:23 pm CST knightd / ed317 / cerl
Although I didn't know Brian, I can feel a real sense
of loss for his family and friends. And although the
hurt may run deep for many, now is the time to pick up
the pieces and go on with life. To paraphrase a quote
from the bible, "...life is for the living; let the
dead bury the dead.....".
Hopefully, everyone can take this quote to mind and
face yet another day......
brian larson Note 1 - Response 67 of 99
12/10/86 2:03 pm CST dibello / pasr / cerl
**NOTE**
I have arranged with Pastor Nelson to seat Brian's PLATO and
work-related friends in a grouping at the luncheon...So
look for that area after the service...It will be very
meaningful to his family and their friends for us to join
with them in mourning and in celebration of the good things
that Brian was...
brian larson Note 1 - Response 68 of 99
12/10/86 2:20 pm CST kerr / cso / cerl
I regret not knowing Brian. I guess I am lucky, however, to
know some of his friends. I hope I can help them through
this.... This is so sad, I don't know how to deal with it.
I have such a knot in my throat right now.
brian larson Note 1 - Response 69 of 99
12/10/86 2:29 pm CST burke / lv3admin / cerl
Unless his family has given permission to reveal the
cause of death, I think that it is an outrageous violation
of their privacy to do so in a public file.
brian larson Note 1 - Response 70 of 99
12/10/86 2:32 pm CST ballard / oaulearn / cerl
Though,I did not know him and his life never touched mine,
his death JUST helped me save another life.....
REST IN PEACE,BRIAN
May you rest in peace......
BALLARD/OAULEARN
brian larson Note 1 - Response 71 of 99
12/10/86 2:38 pm CST scott / bizarre / cerl
i only knew him thru notes. its my policy. but he seemed
more like me than any other plato folk. i understood his bit
ter anger, cos i have felt it myself. i understood how much
it hurts to care about people who are getting mutilated and
maimed by society. i know how it is to be accused of arro-
gance, insensitivity, and inhumanity because others don't re
alise how much it hurts some of us to see what people do to
people, don't know that caring becomes crippling and over
whelming, and so is kept inside just so daily functin can go
on. i know the frustration of living in an ignorant, vain
world of idiotic ideas and actions (war...what IS it good
for?) and seeing that there is no way we are going to rise
above them, and caring so much that the nightly news becomes
an agonising, infuriating torture.
larson is dead, and i doubt if he now exists anywhere but in
the minds of those he touched. if you think he somehow did
an unfair thing, i suggest you stop and consider that you
have no right to demand that he suffer what he must have
suffered. he is a martyr to love.
brian larson Note 1 - Response 72 of 99
12/10/86 2:45 pm CST sean / pasrf / cerl
Remember when you were young? You shone like the sun.
Shine on you crazy diamond.
brian larson Note 1 - Response 73 of 99
12/10/86 2:58 pm CST louis / use / cerl
Brian. I cannot judge whether you have done the right
thing or not. I do not have the right. Obviously, you
thought that you were doing the right thing and that
decision I will respect.
I am sorry though. Fare Thee Well, Brian.
brian larson Note 1 - Response 74 of 99
12/10/86 3:01 pm CST rogers / ohc / cerl
I, for one, salute you sire!
Thank you for being there for me when i needed you.
We loved you Brian.
brian larson Note 1 - Response 75 of 99
12/10/86 3:17 pm CST rs hunter / att / cerl
pbnotes / cerl 12/10/86 2:29 pm burke / lv3admin / cerl
Unless his family has given permission to reveal the
cause of death, I think that it is an outrageous violation
of their privacy to do so in a public file.
*----
I am sure that nobody responding is doing so out of anything
other than sorrow and sympathy.
Besides, I would be surprised if this situation were not a
matter of public record, as would any death under suspicious
circumstances.
brian larson Note 1 - Response 76 of 99
12/10/86 3:25 pm CST tice / dorsai / cerl
I regret my earlier entry. Now I am thinking more
clearly, and I say, If we destroy ourselves, who will
shape the world when our time comes? There is one thing to
live for. That is to impart the knowledge that we here have
to those who will come after.
Brian, you have burned your book, and we have all lost.
It is like killing a unicorn, with its passing, so goes
priceless magic. All who read this, those I know well,
or will know someday, look into yourself and cherish the
magic. Give it to all you touch, don"t take it all for
yourself, for that will kill as surely as any suicide.
Brian and Matt, you have stripped me of your magic, I
will never forget, but perhaps I may someday forgive.
I will look for you when I am there, and mayhap we will
be comrades. I still love you, even if you did'nt love
yourselves
brian larson Note 1 - Response 77 of 99
12/10/86 3:37 pm CST mike / dorsai / cerl
Brian, I will miss you greatly. There will be many
things I will now be unable to do in life without crying.
I may never buy the cycle I want now because I got my class
"M" with you, on your cycle. It will be a long time before
I go camping for the memory of Two trips to Canada will
drive me to tears. I too will miss the "Morning!" when I
walk in. I will miss the late nights of talking, and the
memories of "camping out" in the back-yard. But,most of all
I will miss knowing that all I need to do is call you if I
need ANYTHING, as you would always do anything to help
your friends. Brian, for all this, and so much more that it
would take another 7 years to remember and write it,
I THANK YOU from the bottom of my heart, and with every
shread of my soul. In my mind, a human being has died, But,
In my heart I have lost one of my dearest brothers. I'm
sorry I rarly stopped by anymore, it was throught lack of
time, Not lack of love.
May it be long before we enbrace again my brother,
Michael
brian larson Note 1 - Response 78 of 99
12/10/86 3:43 pm CST d weber / o / cerl
frombrian / cerl 12/10/86 3:37 pm d weber / o / cerl
This file is for notes that were written to others, from
Brian Larson. His brothers have expressed a desire to see
notes that Brian wrote before his death. They want to be
able to have some way to see what was going thru Brian's
head.
If you have any notes that you are willing to 'donate',
please copy them here. Everyone has Write-Only access.
The file will be printed and given to his brothers.
Thank you.
brian larson Note 1 - Response 79 of 99
12/10/86 4:42 pm CST lori / dorsai / cerl
*sigh* I haven't been able to get my words together
until now. I almost can't now after reading Mike's
response.
I know//// knew Brian pretty well. We talked sometimes.
He helped me through some things, and I think I helped
him, too.
It's so silly. I can believe he's dead. And I can
believe that it was his choice. But I can't fucking
comprehend that I will never again be able to go into
his office and sit on his lap and hug him, or have
tickle wars, or pinch each other because neither one
of us would admit that it hurt, or that it would be bad
if it did.
Now do you believe I love you?
brian larson Note 1 - Response 80 of 99
12/10/86 5:04 pm CST sadler / pega / cerl
what am I to say? He was the one that told me, "if you
survive, you usually place". this has been the way I have
felt ever since he said it after placing in the
Circus Maximus tounrey. though I only knew him for four
years, we had some good times that I will never forget.
I wasn't really that close to him but, I could always drop
by his office and say hi and maybe if he wasn't too busy
talk for awhile.
hopefully those of us who remain here will always remember
that though he is with us no longer we can remember him
and he will live again in our memories!
Well, here's to you "wayward son", I hope you found a
happier place.
brian larson Note 1 - Response 81 of 99
12/10/86 5:10 pm CST p parker / algebra / cerl
Brian was a classmate and a playmate through kindergarten
and grade school. I gave him his first PLATO signon four
years ago. Since then, I've spent many hours talking with
him about many things, and I thought I knew him pretty well.
But I guess I didn't, after all -- the person I thought I
knew didn't need to do this.
I don't condemn you for doing it, Brian; it was your
decision to make, not mine. But I wish I knew why.
brian larson Note 1 - Response 82 of 99
12/10/86 5:27 pm CST friedman / phystemp / cerl
pbnotes / cerl 12/10/86 2:29 pm burke / lv3admin / cerl
Unless his family has given permission to reveal the
cause of death, I think that it is an outrageous violation
of their privacy to do so in a public file.
***********
Since he left notes "for anyone he did not personally
write to", I don't see any violation of privacy.
Though I can't say I knew him, I miss him. I hope all
of you who miss him more accept my sympathy.
brian larson Note 1 - Response 83 of 99
12/10/86 6:21 pm CST asher / css / cerl
Death be not proud, though some have called thee
Mighty and dreadful, for, thou art not so,
For, those, whom thou think'st, thou dost overthrow,
Die not, poor death, nor yet canst thou kill me;
From rest and sleep, which but thy pictures be,
Much pleasure, then from thee, much more must flow,
And soonest our best men with thee do go,
Rest of their bones, and soul's delivery.
Thou art slave to fate, chance, kings, and desper-
ate men,
And dost with poison, war, and sickness dwell,
And poppy, or charms can make us sleep as well,
And better than thy stroke; why swell'st thou then?
One short sleep past, we wake eternally,
And death shall be no more, Death thou shalt die.
- John Donne (1572-1631)
brian larson Note 1 - Response 84 of 99
12/10/86 7:05 pm CST librik / medneta / cerl
I didn't know Brian as well as I would have liked to.
And now I never will. Goodbye, Brian. Suicide isn't
painless; you've made a hole in the rest of us.
brian larson Note 1 - Response 85 of 99
12/10/86 7:44 pm CST c lopez / alga / cerl
Of all the people on this earth, I only consider about
a half dozen to truly be my friends. Brian was one of
them.
I could always go to his office when I was feeling
down or just a need to be with someone. Regardless of
my mood Brian was always the same person. Stealing the
book I was looking at, pounding on my keyset when I am
trying to talk with someone, or putting words in my
mouth during a conversation. It was never done with any
malice, but rather in fun. If you viewed it otherwise he
was always quick to apologize and cease.
He was someone I could talk to. He never made any
judgement on my views but would seriously consider any
question or subject and argue his view of it. Among
those things we had discussed was death. Understanding his
view of death, and knowing that he was very unhappy here
leaves me unsure as to whether he did the right thing or
not. (For him, not for us) I can only hope that he found
the peace in death that he was looking for, having now
removed the burden of life from his shoulders.
brian larson Note 1 - Response 86 of 99
12/10/86 7:49 pm CST nancy / vm / cerl
The only "poem" I remember from when Walter Brooks died
is the following, which is from a song by Adrian Belew.
If it helps some of you with what you're going through,
fine. It helps me when I think of Wally.
----
there i stood in the night out on the broken pier
me with my feet in the sea
you with your face in the clouds
the man in the moon...
and as i heard your voice
felt your laugh
flood across the broken pier
i wanted to die right then and there...
you smiled down across the waves as if to say to me
everything will be okay
be strong and true
and i felt your eyes like a tide pulling me
out into the air
for a moment in time you held me there
home again... (A. Belew)
brian larson Note 1 - Response 87 of 99
12/10/86 11:05 pm CST nat / alga / cerl
What the hell can I say? Rest peacefully.
brian larson Note 1 - Response 88 of 99
12/11/86 1:34 am CST may / me / cerl
it takes an event like this to make us see and show
our true feelings. If we all didn't hide so much
behind masks of stone maybe this could have been
avoided, maybe not. All i can say is that i hope
he has found the peace he so desparatly needed,
and maybe it should be a sign to us all to let
someone we know know that we care. It could make
the world a happier place but i takes courage to
admit your true feelings,
farewell
brian larson Note 1 - Response 89 of 99
12/11/86 6:22 am CST mitchell / commerce / cerl
pbnotes / cerl 12/10/86 5:10 pm p parker / algebra / cerl
I don't condemn you for doing it, Brian; it was your
decision to make, not mine. But I wish I knew why.
<><>
Exactly. I liked Brian. I'll miss him. Since I've heard,
I've had random memories of places and things, and seeing
Brian at those times and in those settings, and I find it
hard to picture them without him. The world is a lesser
place now than it was last week. Damn.
brian larson Note 1 - Response 90 of 99
12/11/86 10:54 am CST bob / wfriends / cerl
i talked to u once..i wish i could have known u ....
u were a neat person..goodbye brian..
brian larson Note 1 - Response 91 of 99
12/11/86 11:04 am CST mike albert / monitors / cerl
though i hadn't talked to him since freshman year, i will
always remember him the way i knew him then. Which reminds
me...Will Ryan, if you are out there and reading this, would
you p-note me, please...neither of us had seen brian or each
other for three years, so i'd like to know if you are still
alive....
With regret,
Mike
brian larson Note 1 - Response 92 of 99
12/11/86 11:24 am CST gulley / loop2 / cerl
sigh, this was really a shock to read, a couple of days ago.
goodbye.
brian larson Note 1 - Response 93 of 99
12/11/86 12:21 pm CST frandsen / phystemp / cerl
Well, I just found out now. I don't understand it,
and I doubt anyone will. For what it is worth, in
my experience, people who justify strange and destructive
acts with a strange philosophy really have a deeper,
more personal reason for the act, that they are not talking
about.
My condolences and sorrow for his friends and family.
brian larson Note 1 - Response 94 of 99
12/11/86 1:25 pm CST candelena / dorsai / cerl
Who's shoes will I untie now? No one to write botherbother
or boredbored all over my screen anymore. *sighbious*
Or that either...
brian larson Note 1 - Response 95 of 99
12/11/86 1:37 pm CST sjs / itv / cerl
I cried and hugged Frank and Gaby and Andy and Laurie
and .... Thank you, Brian for seeing. It hurts so much
to see. Who will mourn for Alaric Morgan? How shall I
cry enough to measure out the words of memory for your
courage? What brave Miranda will sing your dirge, O
Ariel?! When I was down you comforted me without demanding
Blindly punching the walls of my office to rid myself of
the spilt second spasm to smash my fingers through the
orange dots and draw the orange dots out of my hands and
eyes, sprinkling them quickly and finally on the etherized
floor, I took the Cup of Life and crumpled the twisted
metal into a small crushed lump in my throat. Brian...
"Post noster die pocula nulla," said the dying physicianist.
The whole earth is a hospital or a mental ward. Have a
gun behind the door, have a bar of soap on the floor.
The sign of the 4 Dolphins took Thee, burning in the bush
of night, flaming to the Iron Crown's stone door, to burst
in ashes soft and light.
brian larson Note 1 - Response 96 of 99
12/11/86 1:41 pm CST sjs / itv / cerl
Then whose Service is perfect freedom?
What Choices now are left?
Lawes and Jenkins guard thy rest,
Dolmetsch ever be thy guest.
What did the bird in the tree
Or the bird in my hand say to me?
After the oil covers the waters
the dead birds do not speak.
You wanted to be perfect and ideal, and despaired
because it was beyond you and because the only other
who tried seemed to receive eveen more ridicule if
they were any more successful.
brian larson Note 1 - Response 97 of 99
12/11/86 2:07 pm CST sjs / itv / cerl
Brian, Brian, come down our of your mountain --
Or must I move the mountain now to cover your tomb?
O Bright, O Dark, O Blue and Blond Oblivion --
How do you like your blue-eyed boy mr. death?
He might have had the system gossips,
The gamers by the score,
But nothing'd satisfy the fool,
But a bullet from the bore.
O Dark Dark Dark they all go into the Dark.
Nothing will go again. Brooklyn Bridge -- che gli affina.
Ashes, Ashes, all falling down, falling down,
Snowing all over the world
The whole wide world is fallen down white.
Round off the silly circle of this life,
Up or down, a crown of tears like Silmarils.
Seth
brian larson Note 1 - Response 98 of 99
12/11/86 2:13 pm CST sjs / itv / cerl
Title of aforegoing: Lament for Brian Linder Larson
brian larson Note 1 - Response 99 of 99
12/11/86 5:57 pm CST johnson / me / cerl
People have tried to tell me that it is time to go on.
That is such utter bull-shit.
It is time to go on when the pain is gone.
Not a minute before.
for bll Note 2 - 3 responses
12/10/86 4:26 pm CST dunn / hfs / cerl
If you need a ride to Brian's funeral tomorrow,
or can give a ride, please leave a note in =shuttlem
and we will see what we can do.
for bll Note 2 - Response 1 of 3
12/11/86 1:35 pm CST sjs / itv / cerl
We filled the church.
for bll Note 2 - Response 2 of 3
12/12/86 11:20 am CST bats / ceta / cerl
And Dan's house, at the wake. I think Brian might
have been pleased.
Thanks Dan, and all else who have been helping...
for bll Note 2 - Response 3 of 3
12/12/86 3:54 pm CST june / pasrf / cerl
I was going to put this in #22, but it has filled. So I
have put what I wanted to say here.
I've been in the war so long now
It feels like forever
In the trenches
With the barbed wire
In the slippery mud
With the stink of rot
I am a veteran
And though you were an unknown soldier
If I had known
I would have gone to you
And told you
That the fight can still be won
That this will not go on
forever.
It's still rough, but it says what I would have said.
memorial Note 3
4/19/88 8:06 am CST riggs / o / cerl
pbnotes / cerl 4/18/88 4:13 pm sathe / dorsai / cerl
Dr. Larson has asked me to mention that a memorial to
Brian was set up last year and is doing well. He was
not certain if word got around and asked that a public
announcement be made. The memorial is at Carle Park
in Urbana, west of the tennis courts. The memorial
consists of a bench, two oak trees, a pine tree, and
some shrubs. There is a plaque in the ground near the
bench.
This note is being copied into the following files,
if someone feels it should be put elsewhere in order
to be seen by all of Brian's friends then by all means
please forward it there.
pbnotes / cerl 4/18/88 4:37 pm walker / s / nova
There are no tennis courts in Carle Park. If memory serves,
the memorial is west of the volleyball court which is a bit
to the southwest of the pavillion. All of these things are
in the east half of the park.